Madam Misandry | Top ways to dump someone

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April 13, 2015

Now, there are multiple ways to break up with a person or even just ending a casual dating situation. Here are some more outlandish and awful ways to dump someone and leave a long-lasting impression in their memories.

1) The Dobby Breakup Technique

This idea came to me when I accidentally picked up a guy’s sock that got mixed into my clothes. (Yeah, yeah…)

Most of you are probably aware of how Harry Potter frees Dobby in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. If you aren’t, here’s how it went down: Harry hid a sock in Tom Riddle/Lord Voldemort’s diary so that when the dastardly Lucius Malfoy threw it at Dobby, the poor little house elf, it would free him. This is because house elves are freed when you give them an article of clothing.

Picking up a boy’s sock, whether it be accidental or purposeful, and giving it back to him is a way to say, “Our thing is over. You are free. Go forth and date other people.”

2) Park streaking

Not just streaking in the park by yourself but with another significant other. While making sure your current significant other sees.

Imagine this: You’re running through the park, naked, holding hands with your next bae, not a care in the world. Then, strategically placed, your current lover sees you. You yell to them, “Oh, by the way, we’re breaking up!” And you continue on your merry way, prancing naked.

This happened to a good friend of mine once. It’s an awful, awful thing to do, but well, it stuck out in her mind.

3) Throwing a party without an invite

Not just any party, but a chicken nuggets party. What this would entail is ordering hundreds upon hundreds of chicken nuggets with numerous dipping sauces. Don’t invite your significant other/fling/et cetera.

You’re being the cool host and DJ of your party and then you text your boo. Tell them to come over. When they arrive, you tell them that the party is for the cool chickens only.

4) On the jumbotron at a sporting event

We’ve all seen the proposals at ballparks and arenas. But what about breaking up with someone on the jumbotron?

This may be publicly humiliating, but what better way is there to get back at everyone who’s ever had a cheesy proposal on the video board? How’s that for romance?

5) Scavenger hunt

Lead your significant other on a scavenger hunt of 20 questions. Tell them to start at their house, then move to all of your old lover’s haunts. At the last clue, tell them you’re breaking up with them. “Anyway, later. Have a chill life.” Problem solved. Game over.

Some would say creative breakups are a personality quirk, but I would call it an art form. Trolling men you meet from online dating sites is not the easiest thing to do, but when you find something that works, you run with it until it doesn’t.


This is an installment of the column Madame Misandry and is solely for satirical purposes. The Campanil does not recommend or condone any of the behavior mentioned above.


Madam Misandry | Top ways to dump someone was published on April 13, 2015 in Column, Opinions

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