Did you watch the VMAs? Did you see all of Miley Cyrus’s outfits? Did you think to yourself, “Wow I want to dress like that?”
If you said yes to any of the following questions, here’s a guide on how to look like the pile of vomit my dog made after she ate a box of crayons.
Outfit 1: The Versace or I’ve Seen the Future and It Blows
This first look was a futuristic ensemble. In the year 3015, after the Reptilians have taken over, fashion can go no further. Reptilians don’t need to wear clothes, but the human underlings do. With the little materials left on planet Earth, they create outfits that resemble tattered thermal blankets. Miley Cyrus has been to this future and brought us back this look.
How to achieve this look:
— Tinfoil suspenders, Reynolds Wrap works best.
— These thigh highs from Rave Ready
— And a skirt assembled from 99ft of crystal beads but you’ll actually only need like a 10 inch strand.
— Complete the look with a Christmas garland scrunchie and a white girl dream catcher tattoo to really show that you’re a shitty person. Like, why are you wearing this to Jill’s cocktail party, Barbara?
Outfit 2: Jumpsuit/Bolero or EDC Carmen Miranda
The Electric Daisy Carnival is rolling around and you love to get your rave on. But, you know what else you love? The 1943 film “The Gang’s All Here.” That’s right, Busby Berkeley’s campy classic film about a soldier falling in love with a chorus girl and fruit hats. Now, combine the two and all of your pals at EDC will be “raving” about you. Hahahahaha.
What you’ll need:
— A Lite-Brite. Do y’all remember those?
— Dollar store fake flowers and/or floral swim caps
— Complete this look with the accessory of a few black people to make it seem like you’re totally not racist because: “look at my black friends”
Outfit 3: That Eyeball, Lips Thing or That Eyeball, Lips Thing?
Ok, so you know the show Aaahh!!! Real Monsters on Nickelodeon, right? Enough said.
— Your mom/dad/parent and their sewing machine. Just tell them you need this outfit for a school play
— An accounting visor
— Some white person’s “dreads.” You can probably borrow these from a dirty hippie on Haight-Ashbury.
— Complete this look with an expression of utter terror as you get called out for being a literal piece of human trash.
Accessory Honorable Mention:
These glasses for blocking out the haters.