How Cold is the Polar Vortex?

By
February 12, 2014

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

It’s cold outside. Really cold. Really, really, really cold.

How cold?

If you want to test how cold it is outside, here’s how:

  1. Throw boiling water into the air and watch as water turns into snow! Because who knew liquid turned into ice?
  2. Leave a chunk of brie cheese outside. If it freezes and becomes hard enough to use as a free weight, it might be a little cold outside.
  3. Go commando outside. If you experience what doctors call “penisicle syndrome,” it might be a little cold outside.
  4. Take a can of Campbell’s soup outside, open the can, and stick a popsickle stick in the middle of the soup. Turn upside down—and voila! A chicken noodle popsicle!
  5. Shake a gallon of milk outside. If it is cold outside, the liquid contents inside the container should turn into ice to create a literal “milkshake.” Enjoy said milkshake, because this milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s -20 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill so why are you drinking a cold beverage?
  6. Go stand outside. Think of polar bears cuddling. If at any point during this brainstorm session you experience frostbite, it might be a little cold outside.
  7. If you eat a raw jalapeno pepper outside and it tastes like a strawberry snow cone, it might be a little bit cold outside.
  8. Hold a wet t-shirt competition outside in the freezing cold! Winner gets pneumonia and amputated nipples! Brrrr!
  9. Make s’mores outside. If you crack a tooth while eating melted marshmallows, it might be a little cold outside.
  10. Find a witch. Give her a hug. If her bosom is the climate zone of a tropical paradise, it might be a little cold outside.

How Cold is the Polar Vortex? was published on February 12, 2014 in Column, Opinions

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