Ever wanted to be that creepy guy who rides AC Transit and ruins everyone’s day but don’t know where to start?
Fear not! Follow these steps and you’ll be able to ensure maximum creepiness in no time:
Zero in on a random girl minding her own business on the bus. Things like how she’s way too young for you or whether ‘she’ identifies as a different gender are no matter when it comes to expert creeping. It’s all about that super sexy vulnerability you’re projecting onto her.
Aw hellllll no, did she just get up from the bus stop right outside that all-girls’ school on MacArthur Blvd? Even better.
Take a moment to admire your prey before you go for the kill. Yes, these girls are all the same but they should consider themselves lucky for a hunk like you to gawk at them like they’re dinner. Let your eyes go up and down, rove side to side, and linger around on all of your favorite parts of a girl. If she looks like she senses something is wrong, you’re doing it right.
Doesn’t matter what she’s wearing. Sweatshirt and jeans may leave a lot to the imagination but it’s a good thing you can easily visualize legs, booties and racks on just about everyone.
Now make your way on over, stud, and work those sex-me eyes! They better bug out of their sockets like airbags in a car accident. Wag those eyebrows like how your wife back home likes to toss open a bed sheet before she folds them. And that toothy smile should be so leery, even Pepe Le Pew would be nervous about how forward you’re being.
It’s all about CONFIDENCE! She won’t be able to resist shooting glances at you in anticipation of your glorious arrival. And she gets so much cuter when color is drained out of her face.
Plop yourself down in the seat next to her. Girls love it when you take up their elbow space. Make a huge deal out of this event by groaning as you’re wiggling, flopping your arms about, and adjusting your butt against the plastic. She’ll be so tense with sexual frustration by how extremely hot you sound, just like Colin Farrell!
When you’ve finally settled down, lean in towards her until you’re way too close for comfort. If that doesn’t make her flinch, you’re not close enough! Bonus points if you manage to do this while loudly nose-sucking in a whiff of her scent.
Isn’t she even more appetizing at this range? Grin like two fish hooks are pulling up the corners of your mouth at different times. Attempt to get her attention. But not in the way that got you busted last time for sexual harassment at work. You have to treat her well, you know?
“Have a nice day.”
She’s not going to say anything the first time around. Girls can’t seem to handle all that animal magnetism nowadays. Increase volume and mock-outrage when ignored.
“Hey, I said have a NICE day. I’m wishing you a NICE DAY.”
Seriously, you’re being so kind to her. It’s the least she can do.
Wait for her to grimace and answer back disingenuously, “Thanks, you too.”
That’s your opening, buddy!!! Immediately launch into your speech — which you’ve prepared beforehand of course — of how beautiful she looks, how much more beautiful she’d look if she smiled, how you want to cheer her up and stop her from frowning so much, how you want to bring her back to your place, how well you’d treat her if she was your woman, how she needs to loosen up, how she should probably try dating a “real man” like you.
Continue this one-sided conversation until she moves her seat.
Following her is optional but highly encouraged.
If you just changed your mind about this stupid broad, let her know she’s missed her chance with you by calling her “ugly” and screaming degrading, sexist slurs in her direction. You didn’t even want her in the first place.
Move onto the next girl. Repeat all the above.
Read the previous Extremely Bad Advice post: A Lazy Person’s Guide to Mills.