Dr Pepper Ten, thanks for reminding us how to be a man

By
October 15, 2011

Men have a weird relationship with beverages. First it was beer. While they wanted to look manly pounding down brewski after brewski, they didn’t want an unsightly bulge to accumulate above their ever-constricting Levis.

So what was the solution? Watered-down light beer, complete with a paltry couple carbs and insipid flavor.

And while men may have managed to keep their blood pressure slightly down with some flavorless tall cans, another sippable culprit came into play: soda. But who wants to look like a little girlie with calorie-free pop?

Enter Dr Pepper Ten: the newest soft drink to hit the aisles, targeting men with its robust 10 calories full of flavor and machismo sure to impress any lady. To really hit the nail over the deprived head, the wonderful Dr Pepper marketers created a Facebook page promoting the new beverage which has games such as shooting at lipstick and high heels.

I love a man who can virtually shoot down over-sexualized female objects. It gets me off almost as much as a man who counts calories.

I can picture it now: I’m on a hot date with some dashing young fellow. He picks me up in his shag mobile, we listen to some Bob Dylan on cassette and he says he wants a bucket of fried chicken. Perfection. We roll out to get our greasy goodness and then he orders a Dr Pepper Ten. My libido crashes faster than the 1929 stock market, and I can’t look at him for the rest of the night.

No, but seriously. If the sexist issues aren’t apparent, let me point them out.

First of all, what’s so inherently manly about a beverage featuring 10 calories? Is a zero-calorie drink the equivalent of an extensive Barbra Streisand CD collection or the ability to quote Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? (Not that there’s anything wrong with either if you know how to tickle my carbonated fancy.)

Secondly, isn’t regular old Diet Dr Pepper good enough? I couldn’t give a soda can’s tab if men want to suck up all that aspartame. Plus I’m too busy absorbed in the teeth-staining bliss of downing my own beverage to actually notice.

And perhaps the most obvious: How does shooting at cosmetics get men to purchase nutrient-devoid products? Does it cause a large secretion in testosterone, which leads to men hopping in their muscle cars and ghost riding the whip to their nearest grocery store? If so, I’d really like to witness it.

I don’t see myself ever finding myself sprung for a dude who buys into marketing schemes targeting specific genders. And if pounding a low-calorie beverage while playing misogynistic Facebook games is his idea of a good time, you can really count me out.


Dr Pepper Ten, thanks for reminding us how to be a man was published on October 15, 2011 in Column, Opinions

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