Dear Netflix, how can you break my heart like this?

By
September 19, 2011

Everyone knows that Netflix is the macrame of our generation.  Our parents smoked weed, listened to Jethro Tull and wove together god-awful creations made of hemp; we binge-watch hours of Keeping Up With the Kardashians on Netflix. Not necessarily something to be proud of, but hey, post-modernism happens.

And while we like to say that change is good, let’s be honest. Netflix rumbled the jungle when they recently announced that they were separating online streaming from DVD deliveries, naming the latter Qwikster. What’s even better? The two have completely different websites, two different $8 monthly charges, two different ways to rake you across the coals looking for the movie that changed your life in sixth grade but still can’t remember what the hell the title is.

Not cool. And what in tarnation does Qwikster even mean?

But the Titanic really started to sink when Netflix tried to take over an already-existing Twitter account named Qwikster run by Jason Castillo, whose profile showcases an image of Elmo nursing a joint. How much does Castillo want for Netflix to take over his account? A small sum of $100,000. Elmo’s going to be able to buy a pretty tricked-out bong with that money.

Okay, so Netflix is probably hurting a little. I’m sure I’m not the only one who mooches off of my friend’s dad’s Netflix account; I understand if the company’s hurting for funds, but really? Netflix was about as communicative as an emo teenager in therapy. The Los Gatos-based business did not announce increased prices over the summer well. It’s no wonder the company’s stock has been plunging — not that the majority of Netflix’s 20-something users have the financial means or know-how to invest.

I’m the first to admit that our culture has a little codependency problem with Netflix. I’ve spent one too many hours curled up in bed spooning my Lamb Chop puppet as I watch sappy sports documentaries on my food-splattered laptop. Kind of embarrassing, but life is hard, and I like the juxtaposition of Eminem with workout montages.

The thing is, Netflix needs to be gentle with us. Changing up services is like altering a diabetic’s insulin dosage without telling them. Some things are meant to be dealt with delicately, especially insulin and television habits.

So unless Netflix announces that viewers get a free pizza with every 100th movie they watch, let’s not make any more changes. Our generation can’t take  another heartbreak.


Dear Netflix, how can you break my heart like this? was published on September 19, 2011 in Column, Opinions

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