In this blog series, Contributing Writer Jen Mac Ramos is writing about her experience of reading one My Little Pony fanfiction story everyday, for 30 days.
This post encapsulates the second week in her challenge, from March 8th to March 14th.
This time around, I Googled “my little pony fanfiction” and waited to see what autofill suggested: “my little pony fanfiction cupcakes.” And here I go, venturing into the world that has its own Know Your Meme page. I can’t say I wasn’t prepared, because I had read the Know Your Meme page, but good god.
Okay, so maybe I didn’t know what to expect. I knew it was going to be a bit twisted, but to what extent? This is just … oh my sweet mother of … Well, I guess there’s a reason why it’s quite … infamous? In the My Little Pony fandom. But this start … I don’t know, man, I don’t know.
“So you ready to get started, Rainbow Dash? I’ve got everything ready,” the pink pony said.
Dash psyched herself up. “You betcha, Pinkie. So what do ya got planned? We gonna prank somebody? I got a couple of good ones I’ve been thinking about. Or maybe you’ve got some stunts you think I should try? Or perhaps…”
“MAKING CUPCAKES!” Pinkie happily announced.
Oh, no. Oh, no no no.
Dash shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swalloed. Not bad.
“Ok, now what?” Dash asked.
“Now,” Pinkie informed her, “You take a nap.”
Puzzled, Dash opened her mouth but felt instantly lightheaded. A wave of dizziness washed over her, the world spun, and seconds later she collapsed to the floor.
NO RAINBOW DASH IT’S A TRAP HOW COULD YOU HAVE FALLEN FOR THIS.
Could I be ready for the second installment of this fanfiction? Maybe. But maybe not. I certainly didn’t expect what would happen to Rainbow Dash in chapter one. Wait, why in the actual hell am I talking like this? It is a My Little Pony fanfiction. One that… just doesn’t compute.
“Goodie, you’re awake. Now we can get started,” Pinkie stated gleefully. She bounded into the darkness, and quickly reappeared pushing a small cart covered with a cloth.
“Pinkie, what’s going on? I can’t move!” Dash said urgently.
“Well duh, that’s because you’re tied down,” chided Pinkie. “That’s why you can’t move. I didn’t think you’d need to be told that.”
“But why? What’s happening? I thought you said I was going to help make cupcakes.”
“You are helping. You see, I ran out of the special ingredient and I need you to get more.”
“Special ingredient? Dash was now breathing heavily and starting to panic. “What special ingredient?”
Pinkie giggled and responded “You, silly!”
Oh for the love of. No. Just no.
“PLEASE, STOP! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP!”
I don’t know about you, but I agree with Rainbow Dash.
THERE’S A PART ABOUT STREAMERS MADE OUT OF DRIED ENTRAILS WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED THING IS THIS.
Oh what in the hell kind of chapter title is this? This is just … well, the entire fic is morbid but sweet lord, this is getting absurd and I am just glad I wasn’t eating while reading.
“I know I can be a real pancreas, but you know I’m just kidney with you. You really got to learn to liver it up. Boy, these jokes are getting bladder. Guess ya gotta develop a stomach for them.”
THIS IS JUST REALLY SICK AND TWISTED AND I DON’T HAVE ANY OTHER WORDS EXCEPT YELLING IN CAPSLOCK BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL
I wanted to quit. I really wanted to quit. I don’t know how to top this one, let alone actually read another MLP fanfiction. But I accepted this challenge and I had to go forth.
Even if it meant trying to bleach this crap out of my brain.
DAY 11: My Little Pony: Jugo’s a Brony
I went for something in the humor category because … you know what, I’m just picking at random now because Cupcakes scarred me for life.
This one was pretty meh. Didn’t really find it interesting, but I laughed at the final lines:
“I knew it.”
“You’re a brony, aren’t you?”
Damn right you friggin’ brony.
DAY 12: Munchy’s Escape
HOORAY I FOUND A TERRIBAD-IN-A-FUNNY-WAY FIC.
For one, it rhymes “scared” and “stairs” which might be stretching it a little, but alright.
And then it involved a chainsaw and I was all but ready to give up because SCREW. YOU. CUPCAKES.
I can just imagine this as a wrestling match: In one corner, A HUMAN; in the other corner, PONY.
Except “employies” might not appreciate this. Or something. I don’t know. This one was largely incoherent and hard to read if only because it was hard to follow. “Flick off!” I do appreciate the choice in censorship here. Otherwise, there are just some fanfiction that should never be written…
I decided to go back to Archive of Our Own for this one. And then I wound up with one that’s … well, the ponies are filming a commercial.
Soon Rainbow holds an action figure of a familiar foal in black garb, mimicking her, “All right, time we see Pega-…troop right behind the enemy lines!”
Once the figure was dropped, Pinkie brought her own toy in action figure gear out of some tall grass, speaking like the foal, “Well, well! Surprise, surprise Shep Ramsey!”
“Whoa, Mister B! You snuck up on me!”
“Yep! Love to do that!”
“Time to take out the enemy radar dish,” Rainbow as Shep exclaim in determination.
And that’s a…that’s a thing. Enemy radar dish? They have enemies? I get that it’s a toy commercial but context, please!
“All new Pony Command-Os from Cheap Pony Toys! Rock on, Pony Command-Os, rock on! Also, tune in weekdays for the Adventures of the Pony Command-Os, coming soon on your TV!!!”
Oh come on, you can come up with a better jingle than that.
The commercial is almost done as a serious Bazooka Moe books, “Pony Command-Os…” The leader stood proudly on a pedestal; some of his members surround him as he spoke the words that show up above him, ‘Rock on, Bronies, rock!” The song is heard playing as the logo appears.
Chorus: Pony Command-Oos, maybe fighting for freedom and each is sold separately.
Pony Command-Oss, they’re probably battling evil. Buy all our play sets and toys!
The narrator spoke in a nasal voice, “Weekdays at 4:30. We may change the schedule without warning.”
I don’t know what it says that my reaction to this is, “Oh, please, no one changes the schedule without warning especially for a show like this.” That’s the most unrealistic part for me. Something about schedules. I—
I got nothin’.
Two weeks in and I haven’t quit yet. Cupcakes really should’ve gotten me to quit, yet I’m still here. Scarred. For life. Let’s see if I can make it to day 21.
30-Day My Little Pony Fanfiction Reading Challenge: The Beginnings
30-Day My Little Pony Fanfiction Reading Challenge: Week 1
30-Day My Little Pony Fanfiction Reading Challenge: Week 2