9:45: a.m. — I’m up! Tinkle time.
9:48 a.m. — Back in bed.
10:58 a.m. — Okay, now I’m really up and must wait for Anthony to get out of bed. In the meantime, can we just talk about how amazing 1000-count Egyptian cotton sheets feel? Almost as soft as the lotion Anthony uses.
11:24 a.m. — Shower time. Usually I dance to Anthony singing his favorite song, “Carlos Danger,” in the shower (it goes a little something like this: “My name is Carlos Danger, and my dick’s a game changer”). But ever since last week shower time has turned into crying time for Anthony. His tears mingle with the shower water and I don’t like it one bit because his salty tears make my hair extra dry! Note to Anthony: time for a deep condition soon.
11:53 a.m. — On the couch, watching reruns of Family Feud while Anthony drinks whiskey and yells at Steve Harvey on the screen.
3:42 p.m. — Knock on the door. Anthony goes to answer, wearing nothing but a decorative pillow. It’s some high school kid wanting a quote from Anthony for his school newspaper. Anthony chases the punk off his property while hitting him with the aforementioned decorative pillow. Born freeeee, as free as the wind blows!
4 p.m. — Conflict mediation appointment with Anthony’s middle finger. Ever since the night of Anthony’s concession speech when Anthony flipped off a reporter, his middle finger has gotten a really big head and now thinks he’s the most important appendage on Anthony’s body. Which we all know is a lie, because clearly Anthony’s wiener is the winner, aka “weinner.”
4:15 p.m. — Still in the conflict mediation session. Middle finger is in the middle of a rant about my “narcissistic, egotistical personality.” Will he ever shut up and let me talk?
4:28 p.m. — Still listening to middle finger’s rant: “…and wiener thinks he’s sooooo important just because everyone’s always talking about him and it’s always about him him him, and what he wants and his needs and desires. Has he once ever thought about how important I am? How impossible it would have been for Anthony to sext if he didn’t have any fingers to work the cellphone?”
And I’m like, “Um, hello? How could he sext without his wiener?
4:37 p.m. — Middle finger and I agree to disagree on what is a classic example of your chicken and egg dilemma.
4:45 p.m. — Finally done with that mediation session. Middle finger and I were told to come back next week with a list of “10 reasons why we are grateful for each other.” I can’t even think of one, because Anthony has four other fingers and I can’t tell them apart when they’re all moving in the same direction.
5:37 p.m. — Anthony Googles “Anthony Weiner” on the off-chance the New York Times published an article today titled “Anthony Weiner Elected Mayor of New York Despite Dropping Out of Race.” No such luck — still just pictures of me. Why does the media always insist on using the most unflattering pictures? The right side isn’t even my good side!
7:29 p.m. — Dinner time. Bourbon and donuts.
7:48 p.m. — I lie in a pile of donut crumbs.
8:27 p.m. — Dessert time! Anthony proceeds to pick and eat the donut crumbs off of me.
10:37 p.m. — Watching Titanic, and Anthony screams at the TV: “Just get on the goddamn raft with Rose, you idiot! There’s enough room for the two of you!” I can’t make out the rest of what he’s saying, as he’s crying and screaming with his mouth full of Pringles.
10:57 p.m. — Anthony falls asleep on the couch as I watch the end credits roll.
11:00 p.m. — The local 11 o’clock news starts: “Earlier today, a naked Anthony Weiner chases a high school student off his property. More on that later, but first: Halloween costumes for pet cats! Stephanie Duran shows us the hottest feline costumes in season right meow. Stephanie?”
11:04 p.m. — I try to stay awake for the chance to see myself on TV tonight, but I fall asleep to the image of a cat dressed up as a banana on the screen.